“When you become a mother, YOU go out the door!” is what I heard her say with her body looking a little exhausted and her eyes looking a little despairingly as she made this comment.
“Going out the door!” meant that she no longer has time for herself, she runs ragged after her children and possibly her husband, she juggles work and home life commitments and she’s possibly last in the “money-to-be spent-on-one’s-own-pleasures” queue.
Being a mother of many myself with my inbuilt wiring to care, this running around, rescuing and running ragged tendency often left me feeling shattered – often with a slight glassy edge to this feeling of exhaustion mixed with a pinch of envy and resentment. I also craved some validation or a would-be-welcomed “Hey, let’s do something for you!” sentiment from those around me.
This woman even mentioned that she hadn’t got anything for her birthday for some time apart from someone who spontaneously gave her something. My response was this.
WE teach people how to treat us. Stop blaming them!
Ouch! Yes, we are often the reason that we are not up the queue. If you feel like you “went out the door” when you became a mother, what have you been teaching your nearest and dearest about how to treat you? And are you not more gorgeous when you have passion and energy in your tank?
Here are some typical things we as mothers and lovers say and do.
- We declare, “Oh, don’t worry about getting me a present! It’s OK!” when we would love the gift of our wildest dreams and be pampered till we felt heavenly.
- We sign our kids up for yet another sport or activity – making sure we’ve scraped together the money, while we continue to have no interest of our own, nor pay for even the smallest indulgence we would love. What does that teach our nearest and dearest?
- We watch hubby head off for Friday or Saturday night’s drinks with his mates and stay once again in the “roost” caring for the kids, dog or four walls. What would stop us asking for a “date night”?
- We put intimacy aside for other exhausting, juggling and busy activities thinking they’re more urgent. Imagine what fire we’d have in our belly again if we felt truly and intimately loved and loving!
- We eat the last piece of cake, if and only when there is some left. (Literally and figuratively I might add!)
So what are some ways we can piece ourselves back together as mothers to feel whole, happy, energised and feeling like we count?
- Say “no” to one thing this week for someone else, and say “yes” to one thing for you.
- Dress well for no special reason. It always makes us feel good. Today I’ve wandered around my little “farm” with my loveliest new dress on. In fact I purchased it from the shop where I met this woman who inspired this writing! In honour to you my darling!
- Re-ignite an interest this week (let’s call it an A.D activity = After Delivery (babies!) – an activity or pleasure that has been extinguished for a while, or perhaps not enjoyed since B.C. (Before Children)
- Wear your loveliest of perfume even when you go to bed. Nothing like feeling indulgent, pleasured, and less than bedraggled when you flop into bed. Sensual things make all the difference to our mood and energy!
- Stop the blame game and know that YOU’re the piece in the puzzle that will piece YOU back together! Happy jig-sawing!