Often seen, or at least heard by my nearest and dearest, as overbearing, opinionated and a tete-de-bois (aka stubborn), I have also been accused of being too loud, too forceful, too…….much. Not to mention that “you always think you’re right!”
That accusation was thrown at me again today…so I am bleeding a little, but have put on a tourniquet to nurse my wound as I reflect on whether I am indeed an insensitive bully, feisty femme or hard-hearted, as the accusation may suggest. Or am I simply a woman who’s learning in this lifetime is to finally find her voice?
Should I take heed and soften the blow, remain silent or turn into a withering wallflower with no “character” or “spunky soul”? Should I risk the backlash of someone’s ill-opinion of me, or non-value of my ideas or opinions if I were to put tonality into my thoughts? And is it easier to say nothing and inwardly “reel”, or suffer the consequences of “stirring the pot” which for me typically turns into isolation. Me on one side of the tennis court and a whole heap of others on the other. This game does not sit comfortable within my spirit, but is very familiar territory.
I am loving peri-menopause for the opportunity to play with fire – emotions once buried, words left unsaid and patterns that have left me speechless, helpless and often the victim. I love that my fertile years have shown me how to attend to society’s needs. In essence, that has meant others always before myself and a silencing of my inner and outer voice. I love now that menopause is offering me an opportunity to attend to my own soul needs. It is indeed time for me to meet me. It is now time for me to cry out and request a life on my terms. It is now time to be a change-maker, by no longer “keeping the peace’, but daring to dive into a different way of relating.
So what have I noticed in my demeanour in the process of discovering my voice? My tone is stronger and not everyone likes that. My voice is deeper so it sounds more forceful – increasing the apparent blow. My opinion is more fervent and is often violently opposed. My ability to stay standing, when normally I would wilt in conflict, is become stronger so I have become a boxer, rather than a ring-side spectator. My courage is allowing me to take small steps within my inner circle to risk all – which may mean I lose them. That’s difficult, painful and frightening, but something I am prepared to do.
So bring on the chapstick, not the gluestick. And a little salve now and then to nurse the wounds.
If you would like support in your current life transition and put you first on the priority list (aka self care, self value, self love), contact me. And if you would love a woman’s journal that will challenge you on “hearing and voicing your own needs, wants and desires, check out my book Dancing in Her Own Full Moonlight: The Ebb and Flow of Being Fully Woman. www.janellefletcher.com