Let me help you learn to listen to your body/spirit/gut so you can have peace around your decisions and get what you want in life. I simply love to help people manifest what they want in their life and to take their power back. Who is the expert in your life in terms of health, relationships, career, life…? Your intuition gives you the best answers – in fact you have all the answers and directions within, over and beyond the so-called experts !!! I have some great personal examples. I now have 6 kids following infertility. I still have my breast lump but all is well. I now have a beautiful new man in my life. I now have a simpler life because I go with my “gut” over and above my mind. Want some direction or decision to be made in your life…. Let me help you on that path. janelle@janellefletcher.com
Yes, people can “put us in a box” but often it is we (yes YOU and I !) that cage ourselves into that prison or cage called “not-good-enoughness.” If we hold the belief that says, “We need to be more…” or “We aren’t good enough to…” or “We could never have…”, that is our doing, not someone else’s. Let’s be responsible! We locked ourselves in that cage (or at least have moments of hanging out in there), and we have the keys to get ourselves out of there and experience life with new “wings” – a.k.a awesome relationships, working in a job that is our passion, feeling fit and fab in our bodies, enjoying hot sex and intimacy and/or feeling creative and successful.
So here are 5 of my own keys that got me out of my cage – some of them might even fit your lock! If they don’t, don’t flutter around in a frenzy. Instead sit still on your perch for a bit and let your inner knowing tell you what will help YOU fly in the way you were born to.
1. Remember what delighted you as a child and reignite that. From a very young age, I did not sit still. I tapped my feet. I loved to dance, and moving and grooving is “in my blood”. When I don’t dance, I feel stifled. I reignite this now by being fully expressed in my body – whether I am exercising, speaking, making love or simply hanging out. What you loved as a child, is intrinsically who you are, so start flying around in those passions again.
2. Remember what your dreams, visions and beliefs for the world were as a child and reignite those. I loved autobiographies of people who made a difference in the world – for those who healed, who served, who offered hope and who inspired others to find ways through their hardships and to step up. I had a natural inclination to be with people who felt different – disabled, old, fragile, poor, disheartened…. I dreamed of traveling and being with people from different cultures. I choose now to live my own autobiography inspiring women in their transformation – from a natural, feminine and spiritual perspective. I continue to travel and always will. What you have dreamed about, envisioned for the world and believed in, you are prepared for. “Be the change” as they say, but you can’t do that from a cage!
3. Find your own rhythm. There have been times in my life where i have been super-busy – sometimes out of what I thought was necessity, but much of it was to “prove” myself to either me or someone else that I was “good-enough”. Nothing wrong with having things in your life. But for me, slowing down and simplifying really feels more like me than when I wore the “superwoman” cape. Achieving loads of stuff in a short amount of time does not necessarily equal “you are good enough.” And remember, the most efficient flying often doesn’t happen by loads of flapping of your wings.
4. Flock together with others who believe wholeheartedly in you and who love you for who you are and who encourage you to be in your total awesomeness. Sometimes this means not allowing certain people to hang out in your flying space. Sometimes it means flocking with new groups of people. Sometimes it might mean migrating to a new house, new flat, new job or a new country even! My motto is, “If I feel light in this company, “flock” (=group of people), or location, I am in the right place.”
5. Good enough-ness is a choice. In any given moment we can choose the thoughts, words and actions that align with good-enoughness or not-good-enoughness with vastly different outcomes. eg. “I am big, fat and ugly and have nothing to wear out tonight. I can’t go out! This choice leaves us talking to our four walls, feeling sad, depressed, lonely and probably hitting the chocolate biscuit container. Versus,” I have clothes that really suit me, my body and my personality. I love that and I can’t wait to see what awaits tonight, who I meet, what I will do and what opportunities open up.” Yeehoooo Our choices in each moment lead to entirely different outcomes. Choose mindfully. But also “carry your body” in a way that embodies that choice.
So take action now. Let me and others know an example of how you have “caged yourself’ in in the past, and share one strategy that has helped you break free of that. Others will love your ideas and wisdom.
Inbuilt within me is an undeniable urge, desire and need to care about others’ well-being. I care. I am compassionate. I want the best for people. I want to make life easier for others. I want them to have a smile on their face. I want them to feel at peace with a situation. I want them to feel happy, content, and simply cared for. All respectable and honorable qualities, but let me give you a low-down of how sometimes my care-taking of others has not been about “care”, but more about my own lack of self value and self-appreciation.
Let me give you some great examples which you might relate to.
I cross town at my own time and expense to give my kids some valuable time with their friends. Yes caring, but equally comes from my esteem which says “If I say no, they will make a fuss, or they won’t like me!”
I go out of my way to help an exchange student learn English to study well and pass his exam. Yes indeed caring, well-meaning and yes I’m a great one to teach English. But again I notice this is sometimes for my own gain. That I helped him. That he didn’t “fail” whilst under my roof. That his homestay experience will be viewed by his parents and him as “successful”.
I spend money on something that I would deeply love for myself, but instead spend it on another for their pleasure. Perhaps if I was dead-honest that will be thankful for the experience and my generosity.
I care about my partner’s desire to spend time with me, and I will sacrifice some jobs and errands that need doing or deny myself of catching up with a good friend, in order to show “I care.”
As a write I get this incredibly sad feeling in the revelation that yes, I do appear caring, but deep within me is a deeper need to be accepted, to be viewed as kind, compassionate and self sacrificing. I am also fully aware of the expectations my “caring” sets up and the resentment I sometimes feel when my Uber-caring has meant my own body.mind and soul needs have been sacrificed. I also get that by Uber-caring, I don’t do others a favour. It doesn’t allow them to step up in a different way, nor does it allow them to grow whatever they need to develop within themselves.
So checking out the words of Winnie the Pooh, Is it LOVE for others, or lack of love for self that has me/us uber-caring? As a past coach of mine put it. “NICE” – is not about being nice, polite and fitting in. “NICE” is the acronym for Not In me to Care Enough. In other words, we appease. We put others’ needs, wants and desires first. We stop allowing others to fend for themselves and develop new skills. Perhaps we just need to stop being so NICE.”
People pleasing usually has the connotation of someone running ragged around others – filling up the other person’s “needs and wants tank” over and above their own. It has the idea that you are adding something to your to-do list that benefits others and leaves you with less time and energy for yourself. It no doubt, gives the impression of an exhausted person, with little or no fuel or substance in their own tank.
But people-pleasing is not always about what we DO do for others.
What I have noticed is what I DON’T do sometimes that also keeps me in the people–pleaser position. I sometimes refrain from saying something I really want to say for fear of disapproval or backlash. I sometimes don’t request someone to do something for fear of being told what a nag I am and how unfair I am. I often find myself saying “no” to an activity or event I would enjoy, whilst saying “yes” to someone else’s wish-list event. I may not bring up certain subjects because they might cause debate, rather than keep the peace. I may not do certain things that could make me look a certain way in someone else’s eyes.
When we DON’T do such things, what happens to us? We lose ourselves. We become someone we are not, We become a puppet – manipulated not by just another person, but more often from ourselves. We lose our “voice” and self respect. We become peace-keepers, rather than offering others (and ourselves) a different perspective or new learning. We may become resentful, insular and predictable (perhaps even boring!) We may not allow ourselves and others to experience what we need to experience at a soul level. At a physical body level, we may fester, grow and find interesting ways to manifest and release what has been dampened, pushed down, refrained from, hidden and denied – in the form of ill-health.
So how do we authentically be who we are without doing all the people-pleasing routines? Here are just a few questions that I personally find useful.
When you say Yes or when you say NO, run it through this filter. “Am I saying or doing this to please others, or because I genuinely wish to say/do it?” Align your actions or answers with what is your REAL self, REAL desire and REAL THOUGHTS or VALUES. Learn to say NO. Learn to say YES. Know the difference and create some changes accordingly.
Do I care more about other people’s opinions of who I am, or more about my own self respect, self awareness and self love? Self respect is a win-win for everyone. People-pleasing is a win-lose and possibly even a lose-lose.
What can I (and the others) gain from me valuing myself, my time, my opinions and my input when I am being genuinely me?
And just a few things that I am personally learning.
- Conflict is not always bad.
- We educate others how to treat us. Sometimes we are responsible for others using and abusing us.
- “Me time” and “putting me first” is not selfish. It is self–giving that has an outward beneficial flow on effect.
I love what Marianne has to say in this video with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.
Firstly her point about many people “wanting to be stars” (2mins 20 point of video) and waiting for the spotlight to be on them, whilst in fact, they are already stars illuminating and sparkling their own light….Great mothers trying to be super-heroes in many “departments” of their lives, whilst feeling inadequate for “just being a mum”. People trying to make it out there in the speaking circuit, internet-based business, network marketing scheme or online vid stuff to allow them to feel like they have “made it”. People feeling like they are “nothing” if they are in a humble and perhaps low-paid role, yet they are quietly living their purpose and passion and making a real difference to others.
As someone who is not driven by money or numbers of people, clients, customers ….etc, and not driven by the business world “success identity”….I have always felt more called to “serve”. Instead of asking, “What is my job?” to which the answer has sometimes been difficult and even sometimes “nothing”, I have often asked myself and suggested others ask the same, “How do I serve the world?’
I focus on the qualities I bring to others and the small and sometimes seemingly insignificant things that make a real difference to people. I listen for the intuitive calling to something or someone, rather than being dictated by business-like-strategies of making the call or contact to secure or expand business. I focus less on doing more. I focus more on doing great small things. I focus on giving of myself and serving others, not doing a “job”,nor needing to be seen as a “star”. In essence I prefer to sprinkle my fairy dust in more miraculous ways. On that note, I also love her following comparison.
“Magic – is using your mind to tell the universe what you want. Miracles – is asking the Universe what it wants and how you best serve it.” (Marianne)
In my quiet moment tonight, I will re-ask that question and listen in the stillness for the answer and follow the signs that come my way. What an easy and miraculous way of living life. I will also hear the tinkering of my soul reminding me that “I am enough” as I am. So are you.
This week I have encountered many people have been dealing with a lot of s***. My acronym for s*** is this:
- S…eriously
- H…ard
- I…nviting me to hide under the duvet
- T…roubles
Some have been dealing with troubles in the financial arena. Some have been standing under the relationship umbrella – none, bad or wishful thinking scenario. Others have been tired mothers or busy women juggling a zillion tasks and the things that go along with parenting or caring for elderly parents. Another was struggling with how to be herself in relationship when she feels like she is often being knocked down. Another was dealing with the prospect of taking someone to court for sexual violation and what that would entail for her. Some were complaining about physical complaints and their body’s changes in perimenopause.
Two common threads I see in all of this is CHANGE and IDENTITY.
CHANGE in that the situation is calling for us to adapt, modify, re-evaluate, try something new, resource ourselves, reprioritise and renew something.
IDENTITY in that we are being called to really challenge ourselves on the strength of who we are, the abilities and skills we each have, our determination and commitment to be valued and an opportunity to put our needs, wants and desires at the forefront.
So I am thinking on the spot here and perhaps can change the S*** acronym to something empowering. Here goes!
S…ource yourself with an ally – friend, coach, Spirit, God, angel, mentor, accountability partner, church, support group or someone who can really help you. Stop trying to do it “all on your own”. Another “S’ is STOP. In the busyness and bedlam, we will not get our answers. In our stillness and silence, we will.
H…ave the commitment to align yourself with ways and approaches that fit who YOU really are. If the medical route doesn’t feel right, try something alternative. If loaning money from your parents doesn’t feel right, find another means by getting inventive. If you normally wouldn’t ask for something out of fear, embarrassment or you “simply don’t know something”, empower yourself by asking for what you need to move ahead strongly. If you want to make change in the world for you and others, stand up and have your voice. If speed-dating or internet dating isn’t your thing, mix and mingle in groups that share a common interest with you.
I…nvite change into your life as a friend, not an enemy. There is nothing more inevitable than change in our lives, yet more often than not, we tend to see the dark side, rather than the light. Questions to ask ourselves, rather than fretting, worrying or wishing a magic wand could be waved over us could be these. “What gains and “positives” is this change bringing into my life?” “How can I nurture and nourish myself as I go through this experience in my life?”
T…rust. This has to be the biggest “biggie” for me that I have learned through some very difficult times. Trusting in the perfection of the “highs” and “lows”, trusting the perfection of Mr Right and Mr Not so Right. Trusting that the health problem is asking you to re-address how you deal with your emotions, care for your body or nourish your soul. Trusting that sometimes the financial pit is the starting point for getting inventive and creating your own change for the better.
So side-step the s*** and clean-up your act a little. On that note, the sun is shining so I’m heading outside to nourish my soul!
This morning I had another “Chocolat” moment. You remember the movie “Chocolat” where the woman and her daughter arrive into the very conservative French town and she opens up a chocolaterie? As she helps her “clients” choose their particular favourite chocolate morsel, she opens up the possibility for them to really share and heal what is going on in their lives – from loneliness, domestic violence, finding love and breaking out of religious conservatism, as examples.
My “Chocolat” moment was this……smiling remembering my day yesterday working in our French cafe Pyrenees here in Auckland. As a part-time job alongside of my coaching/healing work, I love the opportunities that the cafe opens up for me to truly connect with people and to help them open up and feel listened to, supported, encouraged and inspired. Yesterday the simple act of a ribbon around a box of french “food delights” provided such opportunities.
1. A women arrives most days. She always enters slowly, head down and with a very sad demeanour. To date I have welcomed her with little response from her. Yesterday I noticed a glimpse of a smile or “lightness” in her that I hadn’t noticed before. It gave me cause to remark to her about that and really ask her about her day. With her coffee in hand and a croissant, which I wrapped in a simple white box with a ribbon on it, she told me she had been daily visiting a friend who has terminal cancer. I could sense her relief in being able to share this moment and it allowed me to really encourage and admire her in a brand new way, rather than see the “solemn” exterior which I had previously noticed in her.
2. A young man arrives and checks out the gateau section of the cafe rather nervously. I described to him the beautiful rich and adorned chocolate and passion gateau – a small, shareable gift of food for someone. I could easily have rung up the purchase on the till and said my “Au revoir”. Instead I enquired further. It was for his girlfriend to celebrate her birthday. When I suggested we “put a ribbon around the box” to make it look pretty – my comment being “girls love this kind of thing!”, he shrugged and said “Nah, she’ll be right!” – a great kiwi expression! I intuitively decided to ribbon it up anyway. When I returned he beamed with pride and walked out with a skip in his step!
3. A mum and her daughter arrived – apparently the girl was having a “sick day”. Perhaps sick, but perhaps also wanting to simply take a day off and “hang with mum”. When they ordered, they were thinking about dashing away and eating on the run. I suggested that they might just want to “chill” together on the cafe sofa and enjoy their time and food together. Instead of simply putting their patisseries on a plate, I gift wrapped it up and delivered it to their table. The simple ribbon allowed an almost sacred moment for this mother and daughter to connect, in what I hope was a memorable moment.
My “ribbon lesson” or “Chocolat” reminder is that people love to feel special. People love to connect and be heard. People love to celebrate. People love to chill and not be busy. People love to be acknowledged and recognized for their kindness and compassion. People love the opportunity to connect more intimately, but often need to be given the opportunity. Like Juliette Binoche in Chocolat, I am not in the cafe to sell coffees. I am there to LOVE people.
Interesting kind of day today with not a lot of things going “right” and me noticeably feeling a little frustrated, annoyed and edgy. A client didn’t arrive. I couldn’t gain access to my blog.. I managed to pick up bruised fruit and had to return it to the shop. My son needed help with his homework while I was trying to get my own work down. I was missing my partner and wanted him to be home early. And I have a whole load of other little examples, which left me feeling rather jaded.
So how do I stay feeling “peaceful” amidst these somewhat annoying “little” (yet feeling big) annoyances? And of course, these go across the board to handling those much “larger” things. that crop up in life that leave us feeling anxious, restless and/or jaded.
Practice peace – consciously “breathe peace” (slow, steady, even in-breath and out-breath), “move peace” (slowly, graceful, elegant, smooth) and “posture peace”. (stand or lie in a more relaxed manner). Reduce any breathing patterns, movement or postural stances that feel stiff, starchy, stilted or stressed.
“Everything’s gonna be alright.” We need to learn to chill and ask ourselves, “Does it really matter?’ and we need to get beyond our judgement of what is good or bad, success or failure. Another great question to ask when making a decision that is difficult, ask yourself, “Does this possible solution feel light or heavy?” Go for things that make you feel light.
Always know that life isn’t a straight line, but rather is filled with ups and downs. Our so-called difficult moments and experiences are often the ones that change our lives for the better. Nothing lasts for ever – a sobering thought when you feel like it is heading downhill at a fast rate of knots.
Count your blessings. Focus on what it going well and how you are blessed. When we look at our lives and situations, not as a test to be managed, but as an opportunity for spiritual growth, then we can sit more “peacefully”. I also find enormous strength and peace by connecting to my Higher Source of peace – knowing that I am constantly supported, guided and resourced when I connect in this way.
Every emotion is a useful indicator. Anger often spurs us into action. Annoyance often gets us clear on what we want or need. Stress is simply saying something is not in balance. Outbursts easily tell us what is not working or desired. Joy is often something that springs from living our passion. Emotions are great clues – guiding us into a more peace-full life.
One thing I am passionate about and gutsy at (or so I’ve been told!) is expanding my own horizons and taking leaps of faith into the unknown. Therefore I can’t help but help people unlock their own cage door and fly, or using this analogy, cut their own leash to live more freely, vibrantly and enjoying their life more. By cage I mean things like a cage of un-confidence, body dissatisfaction, poor health and no energy, mundane job, creative hibernation, not really using your talents to their fullest or giving up on your real dreams, as examples. Not only that, but I love to help people see completely new possibilities out there they have not even imagined for themselves – healthier health, revved up relationships, juicier jobs, babies they desire, creative endeavours, adventure opportunities, fun family moments and new travel tales.
Sometimes however, like having a leash attached, we go around feeling dragged down, tolerating our “miserable” or “undesirable” situation and unable to enjoy the freedom to enjoy life the way we want to, or how we imagined it would be.
Key thing is, our leash doesn’t come from outside of ourselves which we would like to think it does (or blame!). eg, working for a boss, job commitment required, better to have a partner than none at all type thinking, limiting beliefs, not enough money, family responsibilities, not enough experience……Yes all indeed factors, and yes possibly limiting, but not “unbreakable”.
5 key things today in my own learning about living a great “unleashed” life is this.
1.It takes balls to cut the leash yourself, but when you choose that, it’s empowering! Suddenly you feel like you are the “master of your destiny” rather than being lead to places you don’t want to go.
2. Much like a dog, follow your curiosity. (ie your heart) for it will show you the way. Too often our mind gets in the way of unleashing our possibilities. Listen to the “bark” inside you which is trying to voice how it wants you to live your life.
3. You might cut the leash yourself, but you don’t have to go it alone. Dogs love to play with other dogs! There are so many resources out there to help you. As someone famous said (so famous I can’t quite remember their name!), “It’s not a lack of resources out there, it’s a lack of resourcefulness.” Get resourceful, ask for the help you need and find fellow “dogs” who are also desiring a new playing field, and go have some fun sniffing around a few trees and playing ball together!!!
4. Don’t let fear be your master. It doesn’t have to control you, and is based largely on your stories of the past or your worry for the future you haven’t even had yet. What a waste of energy!!! A dog doesn’t worry about yesterday and it’s not concerned about tomorrow. It just loves to be a dog, doing what dogs do best – playing, exploring and having fun!
5. Dogs hardly ever sit still. Take some action today that will be the beginning steps of you “unleashing something different in you and your life.”
As someone who loves to bark (ie talk, encourage, share, motivate, inspire, sing, challenge……) I would also love to hear you bark and tell us about one little action you are taking, or have taken, that has liberated you in some area of your life. It could be just the enCOURAGEment that someone else needs to make a new courageous decision, or take new courageous action, that could radically change their lives.
Today I coined a new phrase “Creative hibernation” – you know that experience of hiding in your creative cave – having abandoned your creative pursuits, found yourself too busy to enjoy them, let your “everyday life” chores be up the priority list, or perhaps your inspiration has dried up and you haven’t had “refreshments” to spark you into action. Or perhaps you belittle what huge creative juices you actually have, thinking your cocktail glass is more than half empty.
Here’s my confession. I have finally admitted to myself today that I haven’t been sharing my creative motivational mojo enough, nor in the arenas I know I can make a difference in, and putting up with “putting it off for another day until I get it perfect” type reasons. I claim now I am a fabulous connector, motivator and inspiration-generating gal. I love to write. I have loads to speak about. I am creative in my programmes and events I create. Time to get out there, me thinks!!!
In terms of my body (and energy medicine), my creative space is my womb…(not my head/brain!) .so now I am going to sit in stillness, connect with my creative juices and go to my creative room/womb and see where that directs me.
Are you hibernating in your creative cave? 
Want some help to climb out? Contact me either through my website www.janellefletcher.com or my someBODY BEAUTIFUL facebook community at https://www.facebook.com/pages/someBODY-BEAUTIFUL/229533747170561?ref=br_tf