Inbuilt within me is an undeniable urge, desire and need to care about others’ well-being. I care. I am compassionate. I want the best for people. I want to make life easier for others. I want them to have a smile on their face. I want them to feel at peace with a situation. I want them to feel happy, content, and simply cared for. All respectable and honorable qualities, but let me give you a low-down of how sometimes my care-taking of others has not been about “care”, but more about my own lack of self value and self-appreciation.
Let me give you some great examples which you might relate to.
I cross town at my own time and expense to give my kids some valuable time with their friends. Yes caring, but equally comes from my esteem which says “If I say no, they will make a fuss, or they won’t like me!”
I go out of my way to help an exchange student learn English to study well and pass his exam. Yes indeed caring, well-meaning and yes I’m a great one to teach English. But again I notice this is sometimes for my own gain. That I helped him. That he didn’t “fail” whilst under my roof. That his homestay experience will be viewed by his parents and him as “successful”.
I spend money on something that I would deeply love for myself, but instead spend it on another for their pleasure. Perhaps if I was dead-honest that will be thankful for the experience and my generosity.
I care about my partner’s desire to spend time with me, and I will sacrifice some jobs and errands that need doing or deny myself of catching up with a good friend, in order to show “I care.”
As a write I get this incredibly sad feeling in the revelation that yes, I do appear caring, but deep within me is a deeper need to be accepted, to be viewed as kind, compassionate and self sacrificing. I am also fully aware of the expectations my “caring” sets up and the resentment I sometimes feel when my Uber-caring has meant my own body.mind and soul needs have been sacrificed. I also get that by Uber-caring, I don’t do others a favour. It doesn’t allow them to step up in a different way, nor does it allow them to grow whatever they need to develop within themselves.
So checking out the words of Winnie the Pooh, Is it LOVE for others, or lack of love for self that has me/us uber-caring? As a past coach of mine put it. “NICE” – is not about being nice, polite and fitting in. “NICE” is the acronym for Not In me to Care Enough. In other words, we appease. We put others’ needs, wants and desires first. We stop allowing others to fend for themselves and develop new skills. Perhaps we just need to stop being so NICE.”