self esteem & self confidence | Dynamic People Engager

Aug 10

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You are not forgotten, even when you feel unnoticed or insignificant

By janellefletcher | health & well-being, manifesting & abundance, self esteem & self confidence, Written Articles | No Comments

Ever feel that people don’t notice what a a great woman, mother, wife, partner, daughter, worker, …you are? Ever since I was a child, and even before I knew where Africa was, my heart wanted to go to Africa to be with the orphans. Later I sponsored a young girl, and wrote regularly to her in Uganda. I was never sure what called me in this way, but I realise now it about the “forgotten” child – one who feels left, who feels abandoned, who feels insignificant, who feels perhaps worthless and perhaps even feels invisible.

Looking back on my life, invisibility has been one of my life themes. I excelled at many things, but probably as a means of trying to be noticed. I kept under the radar, not daring to leave the restraints of the rules of my very Christian parents. I became very independent at an early age, preferring also to see much of the world, and experience what the world offered me, on my own. I largely kept my “problems” to myself and found my own answers. . To the outside world I seemed happy and I was accoladed with prizes for various things. I was in a caring family who noticed and served others. People saw me as a confident, daring young woman. but in my inner self I felt lost, abandoned, different and often invisible.

Just last week I noticed a street sign promoting the Watoto (Ugandan) village choir, so I could not help but go. I cried, I cried and I cried some more at their stories of these orphans and the aloneness they felt, the experiences they had had, but now the joy in their eyes and the lightness and vitality in their dancing feet and bodies that jumped in the joy of feeling included, secure and protected and given opportunities at the village that had included them as their own. With loud gusto, they sang “I am not forgotten.” Listen to it!

It reminded me that my life story was false. My life theme was just a perspective that I chose to hang on to. It reminds me that when I choose the perspective of non-attachment to acknowledgement, accolade and inclusion, and I choose to see myself as visible, powerful, approachable, loveable, worthy, gifted and beauty-full, my life is good. I am not forgotten. I just forgot myself for awhile, and sometimes still do now and then!

Jul 29

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Why I am lusting after “baby pink.” Honour your lust for colour!

By janellefletcher | body love & body image, health & well-being, relationships, intimacy & sex, self esteem & self confidence, Written Articles | No Comments

Lately I have been lusting after “baby pink”. This is not a common occurrence for me, but it’s a colour that my body has been “desiring” lately. It reminds me of years ago when I met a colour energy consultant – not about whether I am a spring, winter, autumn or summer colour person, but more about the energy of the colour and what that could do for me.

The consultation was such, that I wrote down what colours I wore, what ones I didn’t, how often I wore them, when I started wearing them and when I stopped wearing them. To my amazement, the consultant looked at the patterns of my colour choices, and started telling me about my life – in quite vivid detail ….and accurately I must say! She then went on to recommend 2 colours that I could begin to wear and integrate into my life. One was baby pink. I wanted to physically vomit! I don’t know how you can NOT PHYSICALLY vomit, but what I am saying, is that my body had huge resistance to this. I have 4 daughters – each of whom I had never dressed in baby pink. I have never worn that colour in my life and that colour had never appealed to me at all.

BUT…when the consultant started to explain the energy of the colour and the reason for it, I got it! It is about soft compassion and less of the direct and “harder” love and compassion I was giving. It is about the feminine, more intuitive way of being versus the driving and striving. It is not about the proving of myself which I was doing, but the approving of myself which I was not doing. It is about self validation, rather than seeking that in action, goals and external success. It is about the mother-daughter relationship which I was struggling with a little, not knowing why I was pouring out love in a way that my daughters were not noticing or feeling loved by. It is about addressing my distant relationship with my own mother. I got this.

Hence I went out shopping and amidst my continual want to vomit, I finally found something that I could wear in “baby pink”…and I noticed something. Softer communication. A gentler way of being. A more intuitive way of living, rather than micro-managing and force-feeding the direction of my life. My relationship improved with my girls, because I consciously and probably sub-consciously chose a way that was less domineering, controlling, direct and confronting, to one that was more inclusive, considerate and gentler. I am incredibly grateful for these insights and new actions.

So interesting that this week I have been lusting after “baby pink”. It is a reminder for me to reignite and renourish myself in this “energy” and “way of being.” In seeking something in the shops – be it sweatshirt, scarf or pullover, I found nothing…..until today….I found it! Perfect….lingerie in baby pink and beautiful feminine floral, lacy and textured underwear to match – all for an incredible bargain I can hardly tell you about because of my excitement. I can’t wait to wear them and indulge myself in this colour and its effects!

What colour is your body lusting after today? Honour that lust.

Jun 30

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To mother or not to mother – acknowledgement for you “mother figures” out there!

By janellefletcher | health & well-being, relationships, intimacy & sex, self esteem & self confidence, Uncategorized, women's life changes and transitions, Written Articles | No Comments

\A comment at a party recently threw me! When a woman, knowing a little of my history, hinted that she knew I had six children, abruptly asked, “So did you make all of them?”, I recoiled into my seat with a somewhat stunned mullet look at my face. What a daft question! Yes I made 3 of them! And yes I was “gifted” three of them following the death of my then-husband’s wife (and birthmother to the girls) but so what? Does that lessen my impact on having been a 24/7 influence in the lives of all 6 of them over 21 years to date? Does it mean I did “less of a job” than a woman who has “made” them and perhaps even “birthed” them? Does this deny the acknowledgement of those of us women who compassionately devote our time to OUR kids. step kids, surrogate kids, foster kids, grandkids or whatever kids, whether born to us, made by us, adopted into our family or simply cared for as one of my/our own for whatever reason?

Today’s post is brief. I love and care for those of you who have transitioned into “motherhood” or “compassionate caring” whatever way you “slid” in there. You are such an important person in the life of your “kids”. I also honour those of you who have wanted children, but who may not have “made them” for some reason – for your pain and for your heartache…but who have also found other avenues of “mothering” others. To all of you men and women out there who have been a mother figure of sorts, hail to you! To those of you struggling with blended family living, may you get the support you need. To those grandparents out there, who thought they had passed the milestone of “parenting” and are now re-parenting their grandkids, I marvel at you. To those who have taken on the “kids” of others – through adoption, fostering or whatever, and dare I say, perhaps kids that were destined at a soul level for you, I see you, hear you and acknowledge you. Mothering, in my eyes, is the most profound privilege I have ever had, and perhaps ever will have. XX

Jun 22

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What the doctors don’t tell us about women’s health and body issues…

By janellefletcher | body love & body image, health & well-being, manifesting & abundance, relationships, intimacy & sex, self esteem & self confidence, women's life changes and transitions, Written Articles | No Comments

We have an amazing privilege to live in our bodies, and “giving ourselves over to the experts” may not provide the solutions to our woes. In my work with women, who have experienced difficulties with fertility, miscarriage loss, post-abortion healing, eating disorders and weight issues, body dissatisfaction, depression and intimate relationships, there are some things in common, which are often things that the medical fraternity may not have considered, discussed or ventured near. Also I know how addressing the underlying stuff, rather than applying the band-aid has made for huge, life-changing transformations for the women I have had the privilege of supporting. Try this on!

1. Many of our women’s health, body, weight and womanly issues are influenced by a loss, change, trauma, abuse or grief that occurred when we were developing through puberty or in critical times of change and transition in our development as women. Such “hard stuff” sits in our bodies and we often create a story about our bodies and ourselves from that situation – consciously or unconsciously. When we rewrite and heal that story, things change for us.

2. Our “secrets” are stored in our bodies. We need to reveal our secret, and let new healing energy flow into our bodies. Food, medication and whatever else we stuff into our body will only stuff down the secret and the emotions. This will create other “unwellness”. Find a caring, compassionate person to reveal your secret to and get the support you need.

3. Our own “knowingness” – a.k.a intuition – knows the best thing to do for our health and well-being issues. We know ourselves more than any other “expert” out there. When we truly get honest with ourselves, and stop the B.S, beating around the bush or half truths we give the “experts”, we really do know the causes and underlying factors of our “issues”. When we sit still and listen, we have the answers ourselves. This can save us lots of angst and loads of dollars!

4. Our body gives us very obvious cues. The problem is we don’t listen. Start listening to the cues of hunger, fullness, pain, illness, libido, wellness, stress, desire for exercise or requirement for rest, the desire to help others and the yearning to have “me time”, the desire for soul nourishment and creative fulfillment and the cue to stop sometimes. Medicating, mind-numbing substances and activities, certain treatments and procedures and diet regimes dull our natural, in-built and highly acute cues!

5. Our body, mind and soul are one… In my experience, connecting with our soul/spirit is the place to start for any of our body or health issues. Stillness is key. Letting go of control is also important. Watching for signs is useful. Reclaiming their femininity has also helped many of my clients resolve their womanly issues. Faith can move mountains, and a “possibilities way of being”, beyond what we have known in the past is possible, will lead a way for miracles to occur.

Want some help you apply these principles? Let me help you finally become the beautiful, empowered woman you are and reclaim your health and things you really want in your life. janelle@janellefletcher.com

Jun 15

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How to stop pigging out in the pantry, and practise soulful self-care instead

By janellefletcher | health & well-being, self esteem & self confidence, Uncategorized, Written Articles | No Comments

Get yourself of our the “chaotic eating /non eating cycle” once and for all! Eating is an emotional experience – in a positive and negative light. Staying stuck in weight and poor eating and exercise patterns are all feeding you in certain ways – filling the void in most cases or squashing emotions down. For me personally, it pays to find ways to satisfy my soul, not fill up my stomach, because I know the cycle I can get myself into when I eat too much, get annoyed with myself, say ‘bugger it” and abandon all acts of self-care! Here are some ideas to get YOU started in soulful self-care, rather than pigging out in the pantry. How do I know this stuff? I got myself out of 11 years of that chaotic eating and non-eating myself and haven’t been back.

• Name the emotion or situation that leads you to your undesirable eating, drinking or “falling off the self-care wagon.” For many women, it is loneliness, anger, creative hibernation, feeling unsupported, resentment, exhaustion…What’s yours?

• Find an outlet to release emotions. Like with the coke bottle, when you continue shaking it up, it will eventually explode! In such cases, this explosion may end up in a massive food binge, an exercise “walk-out” rather than a workout, and other unhelpful behaviour. Recognise that emotion next time and immediately try out a different response.

• Stop dieting Diet is quite literally “die” plus a small cross on the end! When you limit and deprive yourself, at some stage you will kick, scream and rebel. Your body cries out “feed me” and your willpower tries to ignore it or overpower your body’s cries and such conflict can set up the “never-win-cycle” of yo-yo dieting, fluctuating weight and body dissatisfaction.

• Start listening to, and honouring your body’s physical hungers. How often do you override a stomach grumble, headache or other hunger-pang sign because “it’s not the right time to be eating, it’s not on the diet plan or I should wait for dinner mentality”? We have a built in system that tells us to feed ourselves, how much to eat, what to eat and when we are full. It lets us know what exercise makes us feel great. It tells us when to stop and rest. Listen!

• Create a soul nourishment menu and start “fulfilling up” on a daily basis. Draw a round circle on a piece of paper. Cut it into 8 equal parts. Sit in stillness for 5-10 minutes. Ask your soul what it needs to help you feel fulfilled. Slot those into the “8 pie-pieces”. Be as specific as possible. If it is music that soothes your soul, what type of music? When do you like to play it? Do you listen to music or do you play it? If it is being with people, who are they? Where do they like to meet? What are you doing with these people? If it is a creative outlet, what medium are you using? Is it solitary or in a group. Is it for work or pleasure?

• Remember how eating can be a pleasurable experience. Be fully “present” at mealtimes, rather than eating on the run. Sit together with your family. Turn off distractions. Cook something interesting. Eat slowly and taste the food. Set up a beautiful table. And as the French would say as they indulge in the pleasure of food, wine and good soul-nourishing company, “Bon Appetit!”

May 04

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5 keys to breaking free from your cage of “not-good-enoughness”

By janellefletcher | body love & body image, health & well-being, manifesting & abundance, relationships, intimacy & sex, self esteem & self confidence, Written Articles | No Comments

Yes, people can “put us in a box” but often it is we (yes YOU and I !) that cage ourselves into that prison or cage called “not-good-enoughness.” If we hold the belief that says, “We need to be more…” or “We aren’t good enough to…” or “We could never have…”, that is our doing, not someone else’s. Let’s be responsible! We locked ourselves in that cage (or at least have moments of hanging out in there), and we have the keys to get ourselves out of there and experience life with new “wings” – a.k.a awesome relationships, working in a job that is our passion, feeling fit and fab in our bodies, enjoying hot sex and intimacy and/or feeling creative and successful.

So here are 5 of my own keys that got me out of my cage – some of them might even fit your lock! If they don’t, don’t flutter around in a frenzy. Instead sit still on your perch for a bit and let your inner knowing tell you what will help YOU fly in the way you were born to.

1. Remember what delighted you as a child and reignite that. From a very young age, I did not sit still. I tapped my feet. I loved to dance, and moving and grooving is “in my blood”. When I don’t dance, I feel stifled. I reignite this now by being fully expressed in my body – whether I am exercising, speaking, making love or simply hanging out. What you loved as a child, is intrinsically who you are, so start flying around in those passions again.

2. Remember what your dreams, visions and beliefs for the world were as a child and reignite those. I loved autobiographies of people who made a difference in the world – for those who healed, who served, who offered hope and who inspired others to find ways through their hardships and to step up. I had a natural inclination to be with people who felt different – disabled, old, fragile, poor, disheartened…. I dreamed of traveling and being with people from different cultures. I choose now to live my own autobiography inspiring women in their transformation – from a natural, feminine and spiritual perspective. I continue to travel and always will. What you have dreamed about, envisioned for the world and believed in, you are prepared for. “Be the change” as they say, but you can’t do that from a cage!

3. Find your own rhythm. There have been times in my life where i have been super-busy – sometimes out of what I thought was necessity, but much of it was to “prove” myself to either me or someone else that I was “good-enough”. Nothing wrong with having things in your life. But for me, slowing down and simplifying really feels more like me than when I wore the “superwoman” cape. Achieving loads of stuff in a short amount of time does not necessarily equal “you are good enough.” And remember, the most efficient flying often doesn’t happen by loads of flapping of your wings.

4. Flock together with others who believe wholeheartedly in you and who love you for who you are and who encourage you to be in your total awesomeness. Sometimes this means not allowing certain people to hang out in your flying space. Sometimes it means flocking with new groups of people. Sometimes it might mean migrating to a new house, new flat, new job or a new country even! My motto is, “If I feel light in this company, “flock” (=group of people), or location, I am in the right place.”

5. Good enough-ness is a choice. In any given moment we can choose the thoughts, words and actions that align with good-enoughness or not-good-enoughness with vastly different outcomes. eg. “I am big, fat and ugly and have nothing to wear out tonight. I can’t go out! This choice leaves us talking to our four walls, feeling sad, depressed, lonely and probably hitting the chocolate biscuit container. Versus,” I have clothes that really suit me, my body and my personality. I love that and I can’t wait to see what awaits tonight, who I meet, what I will do and what opportunities open up.” Yeehoooo Our choices in each moment lead to entirely different outcomes. Choose mindfully. But also “carry your body” in a way that embodies that choice.

So take action now. Let me and others know an example of how you have “caged yourself’ in in the past, and share one strategy that has helped you break free of that. Others will love your ideas and wisdom.

Apr 26

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Caring too much (Uber-caring) and being “NICE”

By janellefletcher | body love & body image, health & well-being, self esteem & self confidence, Written Articles | No Comments

Inbuilt within me is an undeniable urge, desire and need to care about others’ well-being. I care. I am compassionate. I want the best for people. I want to make life easier for others. I want them to have a smile on their face. I want them to feel at peace with a situation. I want them to feel happy, content, and simply cared for. All respectable and honorable qualities, but let me give you a low-down of how sometimes my care-taking of others has not been about “care”, but more about my own lack of self value and self-appreciation.

Let me give you some great examples which you might relate to.

I cross town at my own time and expense to give my kids some valuable time with their friends. Yes caring, but equally comes from my esteem which says “If I say no, they will make a fuss, or they won’t like me!”

I go out of my way to help an exchange student learn English to study well and pass his exam. Yes indeed caring, well-meaning and yes I’m a great one to teach English. But again I notice this is sometimes for my own gain. That I helped him. That he didn’t “fail” whilst under my roof. That his homestay experience will be viewed by his parents and him as “successful”.

I spend money on something that I would deeply love for myself, but instead spend it on another for their pleasure. Perhaps if I was dead-honest that will be thankful for the experience and my generosity.

I care about my partner’s desire to spend time with me, and I will sacrifice some jobs and errands that need doing or deny myself of catching up with a good friend, in order to show “I care.”

As a write I get this incredibly sad feeling in the revelation that yes, I do appear caring, but deep within me is a deeper need to be accepted, to be viewed as kind, compassionate and self sacrificing. I am also fully aware of the expectations my “caring” sets up and the resentment I sometimes feel when my Uber-caring has meant my own body.mind and soul needs have been sacrificed. I also get that by Uber-caring, I don’t do others a favour. It doesn’t allow them to step up in a different way, nor does it allow them to grow whatever they need to develop within themselves.

So checking out the words of Winnie the Pooh, Is it LOVE for others, or lack of love for self that has me/us uber-caring? As a past coach of mine put it. “NICE” – is not about being nice, polite and fitting in. “NICE” is the acronym for Not In me to Care Enough. In other words, we appease. We put others’ needs, wants and desires first. We stop allowing others to fend for themselves and develop new skills. Perhaps we just need to stop being so NICE.”

Apr 14

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People – Pleasing position or self respect position? It’s your choice!

By janellefletcher | body love & body image, health & well-being, manifesting & abundance, relationships, intimacy & sex, self esteem & self confidence, Written Articles | No Comments

People pleasing usually has the connotation of someone running ragged around others – filling up the other person’s “needs and wants tank” over and above their own. It has the idea that you are adding something to your to-do list that benefits others and leaves you with less time and energy for yourself. It no doubt, gives the impression of an exhausted person, with little or no fuel or substance in their own tank.

But people-pleasing is not always about what we DO do for others.

What I have noticed is what I DON’T do sometimes that also keeps me in the people–pleaser position. I sometimes refrain from saying something I really want to say for fear of disapproval or backlash. I sometimes don’t request someone to do something for fear of being told what a nag I am and how unfair I am. I often find myself saying “no” to an activity or event I would enjoy, whilst saying “yes” to someone else’s wish-list event. I may not bring up certain subjects because they might cause debate, rather than keep the peace. I may not do certain things that could make me look a certain way in someone else’s eyes.

When we DON’T do such things, what happens to us? We lose ourselves. We become someone we are not, We become a puppet – manipulated not by just another person, but more often from ourselves. We lose our “voice” and self respect. We become peace-keepers, rather than offering others (and ourselves) a different perspective or new learning. We may become resentful, insular and predictable (perhaps even boring!) We may not allow ourselves and others to experience what we need to experience at a soul level. At a physical body level, we may fester, grow and find interesting ways to manifest and release what has been dampened, pushed down, refrained from, hidden and denied – in the form of ill-health.

So how do we authentically be who we are without doing all the people-pleasing routines? Here are just a few questions that I personally find useful.

When you say Yes or when you say NO, run it through this filter. “Am I saying or doing this to please others, or because I genuinely wish to say/do it?” Align your actions or answers with what is your REAL self, REAL desire and REAL THOUGHTS or VALUES. Learn to say NO. Learn to say YES. Know the difference and create some changes accordingly.

Do I care more about other people’s opinions of who I am, or more about my own self respect, self awareness and self love? Self respect is a win-win for everyone. People-pleasing is a win-lose and possibly even a lose-lose.

What can I (and the others) gain from me valuing myself, my time, my opinions and my input when I am being genuinely me?

And just a few things that I am personally learning.

Conflict is not always bad.
We educate others how to treat us. Sometimes we are responsible for others using and abusing us.
“Me time” and “putting me first” is not selfish. It is self–giving that has an outward beneficial flow on effect.

Mar 31

0

Still thinking you are not enough?

By janellefletcher | manifesting & abundance, self esteem & self confidence, Uncategorized, Written Articles | One Comment

I love what Marianne has to say in this video with Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.

Firstly her point about many people “wanting to be stars” (2mins 20 point of video) and waiting for the spotlight to be on them, whilst in fact, they are already stars illuminating and sparkling their own light….Great mothers trying to be super-heroes in many “departments” of their lives, whilst feeling inadequate for “just being a mum”. People trying to make it out there in the speaking circuit, internet-based business, network marketing scheme or online vid stuff to allow them to feel like they have “made it”. People feeling like they are “nothing” if they are in a humble and perhaps low-paid role, yet they are quietly living their purpose and passion and making a real difference to others.

As someone who is not driven by money or numbers of people, clients, customers ….etc, and not driven by the business world “success identity”….I have always felt more called to “serve”. Instead of asking, “What is my job?” to which the answer has sometimes been difficult and even sometimes “nothing”, I have often asked myself and suggested others ask the same, “How do I serve the world?’

I focus on the qualities I bring to others and the small and sometimes seemingly insignificant things that make a real difference to people. I listen for the intuitive calling to something or someone, rather than being dictated by business-like-strategies of making the call or contact to secure or expand business. I focus less on doing more. I focus more on doing great small things. I focus on giving of myself and serving others, not doing a “job”,nor needing to be seen as a “star”. In essence I prefer to sprinkle my fairy dust in more miraculous ways. On that note, I also love her following comparison.

“Magic – is using your mind to tell the universe what you want. Miracles – is asking the Universe what it wants and how you best serve it.” (Marianne)

In my quiet moment tonight, I will re-ask that question and listen in the stillness for the answer and follow the signs that come my way. What an easy and miraculous way of living life. I will also hear the tinkering of my soul reminding me that “I am enough” as I am. So are you.

Mar 24

0

Dealing with the s***

By janellefletcher | body love & body image, health & well-being, manifesting & abundance, relationships, intimacy & sex, self esteem & self confidence, Written Articles | No Comments

This week I have encountered many people have been dealing with a lot of s***. My acronym for s*** is this:

S…eriously
H…ard
I…nviting me to hide under the duvet
T…roubles

Some have been dealing with troubles in the financial arena. Some have been standing under the relationship umbrella – none, bad or wishful thinking scenario. Others have been tired mothers or busy women juggling a zillion tasks and the things that go along with parenting or caring for elderly parents. Another was struggling with how to be herself in relationship when she feels like she is often being knocked down. Another was dealing with the prospect of taking someone to court for sexual violation and what that would entail for her. Some were complaining about physical complaints and their body’s changes in perimenopause.

Two common threads I see in all of this is CHANGE and IDENTITY.

CHANGE in that the situation is calling for us to adapt, modify, re-evaluate, try something new, resource ourselves, reprioritise and renew something.

IDENTITY in that we are being called to really challenge ourselves on the strength of who we are, the abilities and skills we each have, our determination and commitment to be valued and an opportunity to put our needs, wants and desires at the forefront.

So I am thinking on the spot here and perhaps can change the S*** acronym to something empowering. Here goes!

S…ource yourself with an ally – friend, coach, Spirit, God, angel, mentor, accountability partner, church, support group or someone who can really help you. Stop trying to do it “all on your own”. Another “S’ is STOP. In the busyness and bedlam, we will not get our answers. In our stillness and silence, we will.

H…ave the commitment to align yourself with ways and approaches that fit who YOU really are. If the medical route doesn’t feel right, try something alternative. If loaning money from your parents doesn’t feel right, find another means by getting inventive. If you normally wouldn’t ask for something out of fear, embarrassment or you “simply don’t know something”, empower yourself by asking for what you need to move ahead strongly. If you want to make change in the world for you and others, stand up and have your voice. If speed-dating or internet dating isn’t your thing, mix and mingle in groups that share a common interest with you.

I…nvite change into your life as a friend, not an enemy. There is nothing more inevitable than change in our lives, yet more often than not, we tend to see the dark side, rather than the light. Questions to ask ourselves, rather than fretting, worrying or wishing a magic wand could be waved over us could be these. “What gains and “positives” is this change bringing into my life?” “How can I nurture and nourish myself as I go through this experience in my life?”

T…rust. This has to be the biggest “biggie” for me that I have learned through some very difficult times. Trusting in the perfection of the “highs” and “lows”, trusting the perfection of Mr Right and Mr Not so Right. Trusting that the health problem is asking you to re-address how you deal with your emotions, care for your body or nourish your soul. Trusting that sometimes the financial pit is the starting point for getting inventive and creating your own change for the better.

So side-step the s*** and clean-up your act a little. On that note, the sun is shining so I’m heading outside to nourish my soul!