I exploded this week – in fact I had a huge emotional melt-down! It appeared out of nowhere as a sudden unexplained outburst at the drop of a hat – actually the drop of a few words by my partner that fuelled me into a lit dynamite stick. Ka-boooomb!!!
Yes, I am menstrual AND peri-menopausal, and hormones are playing havoc – or should I say doing what they are supposed to be doing – allowing me to be more aware (because they are now becoming so crystal clear) of the undertones of what is important and unimportant in my life now as I go through “the change”. Change into my authentic self that has me finally looking after my needs and less of others’ needs – unfamiliar territory, and no doubt there are a few landmines ahead.
But my emotional melt-down looked far from beautiful. It was an ugly scene. It was loud. It was explosive. It was nasty even. And my partner copped it all – in the form of me escaping the nest for a night and me finally after 24 hours of self-indulgence and time out, carrying my tail between my legs and humbly returning home feeling far from gorgeous.
So is it OK for a woman, who has long constrained her emotions, who has long given to others before herself and who is exhausted to her core because of over-giving, over-doing and not getting nearly enough sleep, to have such an emotional melt-down, and could that be considered beautiful?
I want to say YES, because the world would have us say NO. Society teaches us that we women need to wear the mask of emotional constraint (that generally looks like a constant smile on our face), keep the strait jacket of motherhood on without a bid for freedom now and then, and to be a loving and sexy woman, lover or partner in an always pleasant and upbeat way.
Let me feel into how we can be beautiful even when we are feeling a little worse for wear – generally by our own doing (or believing) of the above.
- Have personal SELF CARE as number one in your life. This is still an ongoing lesson for me because I am a heart-felt, mother Goddess who has concern and compassion for others. Not a bad thing, but it is when self-care is not up the agenda. What could self-care look like for me as I write? More time out with my girlfriends (yes restaurant booked for next week!), a good solid 5 days away regularly being pampered or doing very little (end of March feels the right time!), a charitable trip overseas (could be my 50th birthday treat) and some money spent on anything that will help my long-term insomnia problem. It’s time! And let’s throw in some good laughter-inducing activities that will re-ignite my pleasure burner – which will also help me ooze my beauty more!
- Know that the emotional spectrum is OK and important and that I don’t need to hide any emotions, because they come out in the wash anyway – especially in the form of resentment, bitterness, jealousy and other such lovelies – if unexpressed earlier in a more moderate form. As woman, we have been given our menstrual cycle as a perfect model for the ups and downs, life’s curveballs and need to honour each phase of the cycle – an active, looking after others, happier and “lighter” phase, and a more inward, reflective, desperately needing care for self and one’s emotional landscape phase – typically pre-menstrually. If you are no longer menstruating, you will still have cycles of sorts, especially if you are aligned with the moon. I am so learning that my beauty lies in me being fully woman – not just an emotionally strait-jacketed woman. Jealousy tells me clearly what I want. Resentment also tells me what is important. Bliss definitely reminds me to have more of whatever is helping me feel that way. When I use these emotions wisely to direct me into a lifestyle that I will enjoy more fully, I will ooze more beauty.
- Attend to what you are wearing. An odd thing that has intuitively come to me as I type this, but it feels it has some truth to it. When I am feeling pretty, feminine, soft and colourful, I instantly feel better and indulge less in my hissy fit. If I am slothing around in my worst of track-suit pants while feeling fiery, “down” or self-pitying, I tend to indulge in that state longer, harder and deeper. So note to self: When I am having my next melt-down, put on my favourite perfume, dress in something pretty, put on my nicest of lingerie and attend to my skin and hair, not to mention paint my toenails.
So with a glass of wine in hand tonight, my feet up after a hard days’ work, a night out at a restaurant with my love and hopefully a good sleep, I choose to see my beauty in all of this no matter what.
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