Flicking this morning through the gorgeous book by Dawna Markova, “I will not die an unlived life” which I used years ago in a women’s group I ran, I was re-inspired when actually feeling darn tired!
How am I tired? And how are you tired?
Well for me, most people see me with bundles of energy, vibrant, vivacious, effervescent and someone who can speak with anyone, “up” the energy in a crowd and inspire people to live a less weathered and less busy life. And yes I am a natural at that, and also good at pulling off the “I’ve got loads of energy” trick!
Truth is, I am very tired. Nigh on 50, I have not had a decent night’s uninterrupted sleep for years and my body is exhausted, and it takes up a huge part of my reserves to even muster up physical or mental energy to create anything. It is a wonder I do! At times I feel heavy in my spirit, with the occasional glimmer of light and lightness. This is frustrating, because I live a spirit-guided life, trusting that my path gets revealed, rather than me spending too much time trying to work it all out. Such a way of living is often a patience game, and that game, truth be known, is wearing a little thin. At times I get inspiration and create – much like my recent book I wrote in just 30 days, or when I put on a women’s event that everyone raves about. Other times, if you saw me in my quiet, secret place away from the world, you would realize I spend more time than most in bed wondering what my next step is, why am I still doing a lot of stuff feeling alone and unsupported and why my best efforts, talents and service often still remain unrecognized or taken for granted, leaving me feel even more depleted. But serving others and always putting others up the priority list also zaps me of my own pizazz on occasions.
Actually nowadays I lead a much simpler life after years of caring for my big family, but I am still feeling tired – physically, mentally and soulfully. Yes I am also perimenopausal, and that is beginning to show itself in the feeling that I have of now “re-birthing” myself and my own soul needs, versus the years I have looked after many others’ needs. But this too is a tiring transformation process with its ups, downs, swings and roundabouts.
Today I also know when aligned with Spirit, life is not all roses. It is often bloody difficult as we are called to live a life of trusting and surrendering to the will of Spirit that sometimes takes us to “places and spaces” which may give us that “wobbly feeling” even though we know it is best for us to step into that place and space – whether that be the beginning or ending of life location, vocation or love-relation!
So how did Dawna Markova’s book today inspire me? Well I flicked randomly through it asking for the page to be revealed that would help me today. Without going into the story Dawna told, it reminded me of the joy that fills me when I do random acts of kindness that so easily and effortlessly come from my inner being. To befriend someone who feels lonely or different and let them know they are gorgeous and loved, brings me to tears. To do a simple act that makes someone’s life that much easier or grief less, I notice a “less tired” me! To speak with a random stranger in a bar of cafe and invite them to feel less anxious by connecting with someone in Spirit is my norm, and to see them physically relax into themselves and their current situation with less angst lifts my spirit too. To travel and experience new cultural delights and see the human spirit from an angle that is not my own, is refreshing. I have wander-lust indeed.
But I realize too that this can not come easily from the place where I often sit within my four walls or in the surrounding of my duvet. It will also not come from denying these simple acts I love doing and instead committing to a dead-end 9-5 pm job again under someone else’s jurisdiction. This kills my spirit and always will! My energy will not come from continuing to serve others before myself. It will also not come from doing the same as I have tried for many years in my business.
Dawna Markova’s book is called “I will not die an unlived life”. Intuitively it feels like I don’t need to exhaust myself adding better stuff to my life now to finally say on my death-bed, “That was flippin’ fantastic”. I need to die to my life that is right now, to abandon my past ideas of what my business and life could look like, and to start afresh. And that kind of change actually doesn’t scare me funnily enough, as I enjoy plunging into the unknown! I will keep you posted!
Hey gorgeous, I would love you to send me what this post has sparked within you by sending me an email at janelle@janellefletcher.com or by posting a comment at the somebody beautiful facebook community.
And if you love this blog wisdom, why not share it with a friend using the social media links below?
And if you haven’t already, go to www.somebodybeautiful.com and get on my mailing list to update you with more goodness and help you flourish more in self-love, body-honouring and reviving your feminine spirit. There are also some great free resources on this website, upcoming events, coaching/healing options and updates on my up-coming book – Dancing in her own Full Moonlight – the ebb and flow of being fully woman. See you there!
Janelle Fletcher www.janellefletcher.com