Last night I had a bonfire. It was to end my proverbial Tour of Duty of being dutiful wife and mother.
How did this come about?
Well a simple “domestic” got the fire ignited, but the fuel has been added for quite some time actually. In fact years of mothering and playing second fiddle.
So, here’s what happened. A couple of days during the school holidays where I got a welcome couple of days minus kids, I slackened on the “cleaning dishes” front – preferring to take it easy and put other things up the priority list that were important for ME to get ticked off.
Partner, God bless him, came home and had an almighty “spaz” (Do we still use this word?) and didn’t say it, but inferred that I (or perhaps my kids who left for their brief holiday) were lazy. Or that’s at least how I read/heard the situation. He proceeded to pour me a wine and make huge noises and grunts as he washed the dishes and wouldn’t allow me to do anything. A little passive-aggressive I felt. Well, that did it for me and I didn’t appreciate this sentiment like my “duties” hadn’t been properly completed and that I should be reprimanded. I knew full well my rationale behind leaving the dishes dirty on the bench and I loved abandoning my “responsibilities” for a short time of rebellion and well-needed rest.
Well this little tete-a-tete (yes my partner is french, and no, I don’t know how to put the little accent marks on these words!) was the fuel to get my fire of rage lit and started my final bid to end my many years of Tour of Duty on the wife and motherhood front. I love the feminine. I love serving others. I love doing those little things that make a difference for man and child. But I have more recently felt the tug of my heart saying “enough Janelle, enough!”. “Do something for you. Your 6 kids don’t always need you to always think of them first. They need to learn to do more stuff for themselves. And don’t keep being like your mum who was also dutiful wife, mother and probably lover who never considered her own needs first.”
So I did it. I gathered wood, I carried it to the outdoor fire and I lovingly and determinedly made the stand that it I have completed my final Tour of Duty and that I relinquish the habit/pattern/obsession/big heart that continues to have me serving others before myself.
- It is not with Duty that I do what I will do, but out of Desire.
- It is not for others’ approval that I will do things. I will put whatever calls me through my self-approval filter and know I am enough, OK and even loveable even when I appear a little “selfish” or slacken on “what needs done.”
- It is not with silenced grimace and growing resentment that I allow others to take advantage of my kindness and generosity in my personal and biz life. It is out of self-love that I now learn to say “no” to others and “yes” to more of me and have better boundaries.
And so the fire ignited and I smiled as I ended my Tour of Duty and started my Tour of Personal Desire. Do you want to join my tour?
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Janelle Fletcher www.janellefletcher.com