Having struggled many years ago – in fact a good 11 years of my teenage and early adult life, I struggled with intense body loathing and self hate, not to mention a real wallowing in depression.
And over the years I learned that self love, self care and body wonderment (rather than wallowing in my body woes – which I could have done through my subsequent years of infertility, miscarriages, health challenges and tiredness from playing superwoman for too long!) are the keys to consistently feeling good about me and my body, and therefore getting the “results’ I want. eg. vibrancy, energy, intimacy, feel good about me feeling, getting ahead in my business…
But yesterday, and in fact all of last week, I caught myself in that long-gone, yet familiar feeling of wallowing – feeling quite futile in my efforts, tired physically, going back to some very long-gone random eating and drinking habits, and that general depressive feeling that was so familiar to me for years, but which I have managed to curtail for many thereafter.
This wallowing made me feel 10kg heavier and very unattractive suddenly, and I know this is a familiar feeling for many women (perhaps you!), yet it is far from the truth. Here’s what I asked myself?
- Am I heavy / heavier? No.
- Am I unattractive? No.
- Is my sudden random eating about needing food? No.
- What’s going on then?
I came to the realization it was about a consistent life pattern of mine of feeling like I have to wait forever for something. As a teen, I had to wait to finally find a boyfriend while everyone else seemed to have one. I had to wait to have a family. I had to wait for many years to become anything in business. I had to wait for some of my good ideas to finally come to fruition. I had to wait to get known for the good service I do offer women. I had to wait a long time after my divorce to finally meet my new gorgeous man. And yes he was worth waiting for!
So what I get is this.
When I am waiting, I tend to wallow in my weight – or at least feel like it. Astounding that overnight you can suddenly feel 10kg heavier when they truth is you’re not. It’s about seeing the truth, not the lie of the feeling.
Weight issues are not really about food or eating or the numbers on the scale. They are about issues of the soul and sometimes the soul requires us to go through “waiting” periods for the perfect outcome to occur. We need patience and we need to connect with our spirit as to what that’s all about!
If I am waiting for something, (business to take off, the new house to be found, the money to come into the bank…), then I am missing out on something now that could be a hang of a lot of fun, and potentially a useful experience or person that you need in your life. That happened to me the other night when I turned down an invitation because of my wallowing in my weight/wait.
Compassion for myself and commitment to self love is key. Not judging this recent experience. Not beating myself up for a few days of randomness and wallowing. Being vigilant about self-care, nurturing and doing things I enjoy now.
Trust in the perfection of Divine Timing. My “wait” is my logic telling me I need something now, and “what’s the hurry about anyway?” Divine Timing also gives me what I need, not necessarily what I want.
So I sit happily in my wait today…even when my computer crashed on me this morning…knowing that all is well.