People pleasing usually has the connotation of someone running ragged around others – filling up the other person’s “needs and wants tank” over and above their own. It has the idea that you are adding something to your to-do list that benefits others and leaves you with less time and energy for yourself. It no doubt, gives the impression of an exhausted person, with little or no fuel or substance in their own tank.
But people-pleasing is not always about what we DO do for others.
What I have noticed is what I DON’T do sometimes that also keeps me in the people–pleaser position. I sometimes refrain from saying something I really want to say for fear of disapproval or backlash. I sometimes don’t request someone to do something for fear of being told what a nag I am and how unfair I am. I often find myself saying “no” to an activity or event I would enjoy, whilst saying “yes” to someone else’s wish-list event. I may not bring up certain subjects because they might cause debate, rather than keep the peace. I may not do certain things that could make me look a certain way in someone else’s eyes.
When we DON’T do such things, what happens to us? We lose ourselves. We become someone we are not, We become a puppet – manipulated not by just another person, but more often from ourselves. We lose our “voice” and self respect. We become peace-keepers, rather than offering others (and ourselves) a different perspective or new learning. We may become resentful, insular and predictable (perhaps even boring!) We may not allow ourselves and others to experience what we need to experience at a soul level. At a physical body level, we may fester, grow and find interesting ways to manifest and release what has been dampened, pushed down, refrained from, hidden and denied – in the form of ill-health.
So how do we authentically be who we are without doing all the people-pleasing routines? Here are just a few questions that I personally find useful.
When you say Yes or when you say NO, run it through this filter. “Am I saying or doing this to please others, or because I genuinely wish to say/do it?” Align your actions or answers with what is your REAL self, REAL desire and REAL THOUGHTS or VALUES. Learn to say NO. Learn to say YES. Know the difference and create some changes accordingly.
Do I care more about other people’s opinions of who I am, or more about my own self respect, self awareness and self love? Self respect is a win-win for everyone. People-pleasing is a win-lose and possibly even a lose-lose.
What can I (and the others) gain from me valuing myself, my time, my opinions and my input when I am being genuinely me?
And just a few things that I am personally learning.
- Conflict is not always bad.
- We educate others how to treat us. Sometimes we are responsible for others using and abusing us.
- “Me time” and “putting me first” is not selfish. It is self–giving that has an outward beneficial flow on effect.